the end of an era

news that panic at the disco split was horrifying.
patd was a big part of my life, and them not making music together was a horrible feeling. the 7th of June, is a date i won't forget.

i was going through most stages of grief because that's what it felt like. i was aching so much.

denial: so in the morning, i was walking to my locker, not knowing that once i open the door, a big part of my life would be gone. there was a sign from mona "oh btw, panic broke up. i'm sorry" then she came. all i could feel was confusion. i was feeling desperate that it was all a joke. but i realised that she wouldn't joke about something like that. but there was that little hope that she would scream "just joking, fatty"
throughout the day, i would choke up and start getting emotional and tear up. no one can really understand how i felt unless it had happened to them already or if they can feel the same way about music as i do. come period 3; religion, i wanted to see for myself of the blog that explained it. i was a fool to look at it in front of my friends. it hadn't hit my so much until then. the blog was a confirmed that there was no way that my feelings could be false so i broke down, as little as possible without actually breaking down.

anger: i thought i would listen to their album 'A Fever You Can't Sweat Out' so i could reminisce how much i loved them. but all of a sudden i was very angry, i kicked my chair and nearly broke the stop button on my radio. then i found myself getting angry and blaming ryan saying how he could do that to everyone who looked up to him. i mostly felt angry about ryan rather than jon because he was the reason for panic to begin.

depression: as you can tell, i was distraught. how is it that the band that made me who i am today, changed me for the better, was splitting up. i certainly didn't get the comfort or satisfaction i wanted to get from my friends mostly because they just looked at me weird and thought it wasn't a big deal. thanks to those who didn't know what i was going through but understood and comforted me. (excludes family)

acceptance: that night, i went on the internet with much doubt as to what i wanted to see/know. but re-reading the blog, reading everyone's comments and views about the unfortunate event, made me re-think the situation. obviously, i would always understand and respect their decisions for what would be best, but i denied it. i was suspicion about what Ryan and Jon said. how they wanted to "embark on another musical direction?" seeing as A Fever You Can't Sweat Out was very different to Pretty.Odd. i would have thought that they would have changed it again. but after reading what he wanted to say about incident, i came to realise that him and on did really want to do something different from Brendon and Spencer. so i accepted their decision. the next morning i got told that panic! did a cover to '3 Little Birds'. i was beside myself with happiness that he cared enough to do such a lovely thing.

can i say that i adore Brendon and Spencer for continuing with panic! at the disco. it feels weird writing the "!" again. they have really gone in two separate directions. with the "!" being back there, it was obvious that they would be returning to their old music. which made me realise that Ryan had a major part in the changing their music from their first album to the second.
after listening to the demo of panic!'s new song "Oh Glory" i was a bit 'ehhhh' about it. but hopefully they'll prove me wrong.
i was thinking about Live In Chicago... and how happy Brendon is. he's smiling face comforted to know he loves what he does. but i don't think he will ever feel that way again now that Ryan and Jon have gone. he would have always had them both at each of his side. it would be hard to see two new people in front. it would be very different if they got someone else (i dont like to say they got replaced)
all four of them would be suffering more than us fans.

i just hope that it is actually for the best.
i wish the best of luck mostly to ryan and jon.